Thursday, May 9, 2013

Everlasting life

It has been 2 weeks since my baby has passed from this life. It's all been so surreal. I'm still trying to process everything that has taken place in the last 2 weeks.

Today would have been his original due date.

 I thought I would give my last update on this blog. So here it is.

Wednesday April 24, 2013....A day I will always remember.

I woke up that morning feeling really crampy. No contractions though. Went about my day. Took my daughter to school, cooked, cleaned, took care of my boys, etc. I was definitely in the nesting mode that week! At 3:25pm I picked up my daughter from school and as soon as I walked in the door my contractions started. Now that I have had 4 kiddos and have gotten "used" to contractions I think I tried to ignore them and didn't pay a lot of attention to them. They continued for the next 2 hours. I dropped my kids off at 5:45pm with my husband as he was just finishing up tennis practice so I could head in to Ontario for my staff meeting and he could take the kids to church. Driving into Ontario my contractions were really starting to get painful and were close together. I realized that I might just be in labor and should think about going to the hospital. When I got to my staff meeting I texted Ryan and told him I might need to go in and that I would let him know after I called my doctor. Went in to my meeting, sat down and ate some pizza...more and more contractions. I told the ladies that I work with that I was having a lot of contractions and after trying to call my doctor without a response, we decided it was time to go in! My sweet boss/friend, Chris and co-worker and friend Katy took me to the hospital. It was 7pm. My mom, sister and my husband joined me moments later.
I was completely dialated and ready to have my baby when they checked me. Unfortunately my doctor was unable to make it in time, so Dr. Duncan delivered Brasen. He was born at 8:25 pm weighing 2 lbs 6 oz and 12 in. long. I was almost 36 weeks pregnant. We aren't exactly sure when he passed, but from what we were told it was probably sometime during labor and delivery.

Holding and seeing my baby for the first time

Kissing my baby Brasen
Daddy and his boy

 I am thankful my family was able to be there and my sister was able to capture some beautiful pictures. That entire evening feels almost a blur to me. It was such an emotional night and one of the most difficult things I have gone through in my life thus far.

Getting to see my baby and to hold him has never been so precious, so special, so healing. If I would have ended his life on my terms I would have never been able to experience that. I would have never been able see him, hold him, kiss him, tell him that I love him. God knew I needed that. I will never get to see his first smile, hear his first laugh, watch him take his first step, see him grow up. That has been a difficult reality for me to face. I miss him. I love him dearly. I know he is in heaven with Jesus. He is whole and complete and God is going to watch over him for me until I can be with him again.

As I look back on these last 6 months and the journey that we have been on, I see God's hand in this entire situation. Right from the beginning. From how we found out, to how he was born. God was watching over me and made the delivery quick and smooth and all the issues that I was concerned with God took care of. This has been the hardest thing for us to go through and I'm still not sure why it happened or what His plan was/is in all of this. I am completely heartbroken, BUT I see through this trial that I have grown as a person, my husband and I have grown stronger together as a couple, I am more thankful for my children that I do have and I have a deeper appreciation for life. God works in mysterious ways. I don't pretend to understand or to say this was easy, but I pray that I can come through this with a deeper faith and trust in the Lord.

 God is seeing me through the heartache. One day at a time. This difficult chapter in our lives has finally come to a close. Thank you to all of you that have kept our family in your prayers. There just aren't words to describe how blessed we are because of all of you. Thank you! Love and blessings to all!

Here is a video slide show that our pastor put together for us at Brasen's memorial service. It was beautiful!


  1. Kimi, I have no words other than I'm praying for God to comfort and keep you. Your little Brasen has touched so many hearts. xo

  2. Kimi,

    I know there are no words to say in a situation like this. I lost my son, Daniel due to a fire just before his first birthday. I believe that I went to CLF with your mom and dad during that time.

    Like you, God has used that great loss in my life to make me stronger and more equipped to help others going through hard times. There is something about strength gained from actually going through the storm that makes you grow. I think that God has plans to use you and your husband in this very same way.

    I pray for the healing of your heart. I can't say it will be fast but I can say the pain will lessen in time and the happy memories will come more to the surface.

    I am going to be contacting your mom and will be sending a book I wrote for my daughters to you. You can read some about this book now if you would like as I have a website for it. There is lot to read there about finding God in our everyday lives.

    Thanks so much for sharing your story,

    1. Thank you so much for your words and encouragement. I appreciate hearing from someone who has gone through a very difficult situation in life and how they were strengthened. I will look forward to reading your book. Thank you so much for thinking of us! So very kind of you. Thank you! God bless, Kimi

  3. Kimi,

    Thank you for sharing your heart. What a beautiful picture of seeing your faith set on fire as you chose to trust in the goodness of your Lord through a very difficult trial. Our Lord is always about our hearts and eternity and HIS GLORY! And it is magnificently displayed in life and death. But with His children there is not sting in death because we pass from life to life. As our loved ones enter His presence it causes us to set our minds on the things above, not on the things of the earth. Oh Praise Him!

  4. Hi Kimi! I was wondering if you could answer my question I have about your blog! My name is Heather and my email is Lifesabanquet1(at)gmail(dot)com :-)

    1. Sure thing! Did you want me to email you?