Everlasting life

It has been 2 weeks since my baby has passed from this life. It's all been so surreal. I'm still trying to process everything that has taken place in the last 2 weeks.

Today would have been his original due date.

 I thought I would give my last update on this blog. So here it is.

Wednesday April 24, 2013....A day I will always remember.

I woke up that morning feeling really crampy. No contractions though. Went about my day. Took my daughter to school, cooked, cleaned, took care of my boys, etc. I was definitely in the nesting mode that week! At 3:25pm I picked up my daughter from school and as soon as I walked in the door my contractions started. Now that I have had 4 kiddos and have gotten "used" to contractions I think I tried to ignore them and didn't pay a lot of attention to them. They continued for the next 2 hours. I dropped my kids off at 5:45pm with my husband as he was just finishing up tennis practice so I could head in to Ontario for my staff meeting and he could take the kids to church. Driving into Ontario my contractions were really starting to get painful and were close together. I realized that I might just be in labor and should think about going to the hospital. When I got to my staff meeting I texted Ryan and told him I might need to go in and that I would let him know after I called my doctor. Went in to my meeting, sat down and ate some pizza...more and more contractions. I told the ladies that I work with that I was having a lot of contractions and after trying to call my doctor without a response, we decided it was time to go in! My sweet boss/friend, Chris and co-worker and friend Katy took me to the hospital. It was 7pm. My mom, sister and my husband joined me moments later.
I was completely dialated and ready to have my baby when they checked me. Unfortunately my doctor was unable to make it in time, so Dr. Duncan delivered Brasen. He was born at 8:25 pm weighing 2 lbs 6 oz and 12 in. long. I was almost 36 weeks pregnant. We aren't exactly sure when he passed, but from what we were told it was probably sometime during labor and delivery.

Holding and seeing my baby for the first time

Kissing my baby Brasen

Daddy and his boy

 I am thankful my family was able to be there and my sister was able to capture some beautiful pictures. That entire evening feels almost a blur to me. It was such an emotional night and one of the most difficult things I have gone through in my life thus far.

Getting to see my baby and to hold him has never been so precious, so special, so healing. If I would have ended his life on my terms I would have never been able to experience that. I would have never been able see him, hold him, kiss him, tell him that I love him. God knew I needed that. I will never get to see his first smile, hear his first laugh, watch him take his first step, see him grow up. That has been a difficult reality for me to face. I miss him. I love him dearly. I know he is in heaven with Jesus. He is whole and complete and God is going to watch over him for me until I can be with him again.

As I look back on these last 6 months and the journey that we have been on, I see God's hand in this entire situation. Right from the beginning. From how we found out, to how he was born. God was watching over me and made the delivery quick and smooth and all the issues that I was concerned with God took care of. This has been the hardest thing for us to go through and I'm still not sure why it happened or what His plan was/is in all of this. I am completely heartbroken, BUT I see through this trial that I have grown as a person, my husband and I have grown stronger together as a couple, I am more thankful for my children that I do have and I have a deeper appreciation for life. God works in mysterious ways. I don't pretend to understand or to say this was easy, but I pray that I can come through this with a deeper faith and trust in the Lord.

 God is seeing me through the heartache. One day at a time. This difficult chapter in our lives has finally come to a close. Thank you to all of you that have kept our family in your prayers. There just aren't words to describe how blessed we are because of all of you. Thank you! Love and blessings to all!

Here is a video slide show that our pastor put together for us at Brasen's memorial service. It was beautiful!

A life worth living

It has been a rough couple weeks for me. We started making funeral plans, which hasn't been fun, and I have been struggling with my emotions as my due date draws near.

I had another doctor's appointment yesterday and had my 3d ultrasound. Got to see my little guy. And we were finally able to get some pictures of him! It's definitely bitter sweet. I love getting to see him, but am so heartbroken over this whole situation and knowing that he isn't going to live. He is so precious. 

He is still really small, weighing just over 3lbs. Everything still looks the same. I have too much amniotic fluid as he isn't swallowing it like he should. Its not a big problem, although I have already become very uncomfortable and am finding it hard to breath with the extra amniotic fluid taking up more space in my uterus. I have another appointment in 2 weeks and we will check my fluid to see if it has increased. We might have to look into induction. From the beginning I had determined that I didn't want to be induced as I feel like its me/us deciding the day Brasen will pass. I know this is in God's hands and it will work out the way that He has planned. I am hoping to go into labor naturally, but he may not come on his own. God's timing is perfect and I am trying to rest in that.

This is all still so surreal to me. It is still hard for me to grasp that this is really happening. His heartbeat is strong, he moves around all the time, this seems like any other pregnancy.....it's hard to believe that something is wrong with him.

I know there are people who don't agree with our decision to not abort. It's not an easy decision to make, but it is the one we know God wanted us to make. Life is such a beautiful thing...a gift God gives us. Each of us has a life worth living. We aren't here on earth by chance, by some random act...God has a plan for each one of us. I am realizing this more and more the older I get. God has an intricate plan that each one of us are woven into for his ultimate purpose and glory. We wanted to give Brasen a chance at life. And no matter how long or short that life may be, it is worth living.  Brasen has a purpose..he is wanted and loved dearly. He will always be our little baby boy.


                                   
                                  Be not afraid of life, Believe that life is worth living...
                                                           -William James

It is well with my soul

I love playing the piano and try to play as much as time will allow! I was playing through some worship songs a couple weeks ago and played the song "It is well with my soul". And ended the song in tears. I have always loved this song and knew there was a story behind the man who had written it years ago, but I had never known the complete story. So, I decided to investigate!

"It is well with my soul" was written by Horatio Gates Spafford, a successful Chicago lawyer. A married man and devout Christian in the 1800's. In 1870 Horatio's only son died at the age of 4 from scarlet fever. One year later the real estate Horatio had invested in burned in the "Great Chicago fire". As you can imagine it was a hard time for the Spaffords. Horatio decided he and his wife and 4 daughters would travel to England for a much needed holiday and also to help D.L. Moody as he was traveling around Britian with one of his great evangelistic campaigns. They were set to travel out from New York on the french steamer "Ville de Harve" but last minute business delayed Horatio from departing with his wife and daughters. He sent them on ahead and would meet up with them a few days later. 9 days later Horatio received word that the Ville de Harve" had collided with the "Lochearn", an english vessel, and sunk within 12 minutes. His 4 daughters died in that ship wreck and his wife was saved only because of a piece of plank that floated underneath her unconscious body and propped her afloat. Upon hearing the devastating news, Horatio boarded the next ship out of New York to join his grieving wife. As they sailed through the very waters that the "Ville de Harve" had sunk Horatio went into his cabin and wrote the lyrics of this hymn.

                                       
                                       When peace like a river, attendeth my way,
                                       When sorrows like sea billows roll;
                                       Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
                                       It is well, it is well with my soul.

                                      Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
                                       Let this blest assurance control,
                                      That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
                                      And hath shed his own blood for my soul.

                                      It is well....it is well with my soul.
                                      It is well, it is well with my soul!



He wrote these words in his darkest hour. When he was in despair and filled with sorrow. This poem was put to music several years later and is a song we still sing to this day!

This man, like so many other people have gone through hardships and trials in their life. Far outweighing anything I have had to go through in my life. And yet, though faced with insurmountable tragedy, they continued to have faith in God, pressed on and became stronger because of it.

This has really resonated with me and I pray that whatever my "lot" in life and whatever is to come that I would be able to say "It is well with my soul".

A strong Heartbeat

I have been meaning to give an update for awhile now, but March has been such a BUSY month and has flown by so quickly! I am thankful for spring break and having my hubby home for the week! We are enjoying wonderful family time and getting some projects done around our house. I'm very thankful for this time together as we will be back to the busyness of work, school and tennis until the end of May.

As many of you know I have been really sick these last couple of months. The gagging and throwing up started back in November, but my stomach issues started in January. Daily I have been sick to my stomach and every couple days would throw up. The heartburn increased and I started having a nagging pain in my left side. After a couple of tests back in Feb. we were able to rule out several issues and figured out I am not digesting my food well with this pregnancy which is in turn causing me to throw up and just plain feel miserable. I have figured out what helps and what doesn't, what I can and can't eat and am taking 5 different things a day to keep things moving, along with meds for heartburn. I think, overall, I am feeling better these last couple weeks. I have had stomach issues in the past, but for whatever reason they are heightened this pregnancy. So many woman deal with morning sickness in their pregnancy and I have always been so thankful that I have had easy pregnancies and have always felt relatively well! This one has been so different in many aspects. It has truly made me more appreciative, though, of the days when I do feel well! I have been working 3 days a week, teaching piano lessons and babysitting 3 days a week this year, so its the busiest I have been in several years...no time to be sick! I am hopefully on the upswing now. Thank you so much to all of you who have been praying for me!!

Not a whole lot of new information, but I had an appointment last week and Brasen's heartbeat sounded good. He moves around all the time. If it wasn't for the ultrasounds, I wouldn't have any idea something was wrong. I have had many people ask me if there is anything the doctors can do after he is born to save his life. I have talked to my doctor about it several times and with this condition there is nothing they can do and it would be cruel to try and prolong his life when the inevitable is bound to happen. That is hard for me to hear and I think about birth and delivery all the time these days. My doctor has said I could go into labor early, but he also said with baby's condition that I might have a hard time going into labor on my own. I know I don't want to be induced(unless for health concerns), so we will just wait it out til God decides its time for him to come. I have been having some contractions these last couple weeks. My doctor isn't going to stop labor if it happened now. So we will see. It's a waiting game now! I know God knows how it is all going to take place, but my prayer is that when he does come that he slips into heaven quietly and painlessly. No Suffering. God knows. I am trusting Him. I know he will give me the strength to face what is to come.

Thank you all SO much for all your love and support for our family during this time. We have been so so blessed by all your kindness by bringing us dinners, cards, phone calls, emails and encouragement. We have been so humbled by this. I pray I am able to return the favor to each of you some day. Thank you so much!!

We had the privilege of taking some pregnancy pictures back in February with Amy Eddy. Her photography business is Inspiration Photography and she does an amazing job!! She is a beautiful lady and an inspiration to me and I am so thankful to have gotten to know her! It's awesome how God brings people into your life. Here are a few photos that she took of Ryan and I and our baby!

I lift up my eyes to the hills-where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of Heaven and earth. Psalm 121:1-2

                                                                Blessings to you all!!

I am fearfully and wonderfully made

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.

 Psalm 139:13-16

This verse came to mind when thinking about my baby. God created my little guy and has a plan for his life however long or short it may be. I know he is fearfully and wonderfully made!

I love my baby boy!

What's in a name?

Alright! Here it is. We finally picked a name for our little guy! Its been hard thinking of a name and agreeing on something, but also its been hard thinking of naming our baby knowing he isn't going to live and be part of our family here on earth. But we found his name!

                                                    Brasen Creed Seals

Brasen means "God's gift" and Creed means "Belief". He is God's gift to us and we love him so much!

Thank you all for going along on this journey with us and for praying for Brasen and our family. We are truly blessed!

Heartbreaking news

Well, here it is...January 2013. A new year. A year of change, growth, faith, strength and possibly the biggest trial we have ever faced. So I have decided to start a blog to collect all of my thoughts and feelings and write them down to share with whoever stumbles upon them! This is something that I will want in years to come..these words, memories and feelings that I have made note of here and now. So here goes!


Ok, I will rewind a bit!

September 10th 2012-It was a beautiful sunny day! My daughter was at school, my boys were at a friends house for daycare while I was at work. I had had a feeling that I might be pregnant for about a week, but hadn't taken a test yet. I ended up having to go to the store to pick up supplies for my dad's business that I work for...so I decided to buy a test! To my surprise...it was a positive! Wow! I was pregnant! Again! With my 4th! (my little guy had just turned 1 in June)I had very mixed emotions(and now I regret not being super excited right from the beginning). Quite shocked, excited, overwhelmed. I could not wait to get home and tell my hubby! I almost called him, but made myself wait! When I told him the news that evening he was beyond excited!! He had really wanted a 4th! We had talked about having another child, but had planned to wait another year or so. It took me a few days to get used to the idea, but as time went on I got very excited! This was going to be our 4th...was going to complete our family...our last baby.

I had a great first trimester! Felt great! Much better than with my 3rd pregnancy! I was exercising, hardly sick and actually had alittle energy! I was very thankful!

I had my first appointment October 15th. I wasn't quite far enough along to hear the heartbeat, but talked with my doctor and did all the fun blood work! I hate getting my blood drawn! :) Everything seemed to be going so well! I had hardly gained any weight too, which for me is unusual, but I wasn't complaining! :)

The next month went by. Halloween was over and we were into November! I had my second appointment scheduled for November 13th. I was almost 15 weeks along.. Finally got to hear baby's heartbeat!! Definitely one of my most favorite things in the world! Hearing the life that is growing inside of you! It was a good normal strong heartbeat. Of no concern. My appointment ended and I was scheduling my ultrasound for the following month when the ultrasound tech came to the front desk. I know her well as I have seen her many times over the years!(I have had the same doctor for all my pregnancies) She summoned me back to her room and asked me if I wanted a "picture" of my baby. Since I was a seasoned veteran and a well known patient she wanted to do this for me! Very kind of her....and I believe NOT a coincidence. God knew what was going on. She doesn't ever offer her patients early "pics" of their baby before their actual ultrasound.
She was a little quiet during the picture and informed me that my due date looked off. I appeared to only be 13 weeks instead of 15 like I had thought. No big deal. She said she needed to talk to my Dr. and would be right back since I wasn't quite as far along as we had thought. Again...no big deal. I went home after scheduling an ultrasound for the following tuesday to get an exact due date...not knowing anything.

The following monday, November 19th I was again at work. Got a call on my cell reminding me of my appointment the next day. For some reason I decided to tell the lady that I thought we needed to reschedule. She told me she would call me back. A couple hours later(2:30 pm) the ultrasound tech, Kay, called me and said these words that a mother never wants to hear. "I think there is a problem with your baby". My heart fell to the floor. I felt like I couldn't breathe. I asked her if she could tell me what was going on. She said I needed to come in so she could do a full ultrasound to see if she was right. I called Ryan. He immediately found someone to cover his class and rushed in to meet me at the Dr.'s office so we could do the ultrasound right then. Definitely a God thing. I would have gone to the appointment the next day by myself which would have been difficult to hear the news of our baby's condition without my husband with me.
She didn't say anything. Finished the ultrasound and waited for my doctor to come in and tell us what was going on. I have never felt so at a loss and so helpless. What was going on? What is wrong? Was this something I could have caused?

Our sweet baby boy was developing without the top of his skull. A condition called A-crania. Without the skull he will not be able to live outside of the womb. His condition is terminal.

In all my life, this was never something I could have ever imagined happening. Never thought I would be asked if I wanted to terminate my pregnancy. Never thought that was something I would ever have to go through.

We are firm believers that God is the one who decides life and death. Not us. Abortion is not an option. That is not our decision to make.

After several other ultrasounds and seeing a specialist we found out alittle bit more. Our sweet boy also has a club hand and has a spine condition similar to spina bifida.

I am completely heartbroken. I cry just about every day. My baby supposedly isn't going to live. How are you to deal with something like this? It is completely out of my hands. There is nothing "I" can do, but trust God. HE is faithful and has given this to us for a reason. HE has a purpose and a plan for my little guy. I may not understand. But I trust in God.

This is not something I would have ever chosen for myself, BUT I am thankful for this trial in my life because I have grown so much through this already. God has really helped me have strength and helped me truly put my faith in him. Something that has been hard for me to do in the past. I trust him completely. He can heal my little boy if that is his plan or he may go home to be with Jesus. God knows his future.

I am 21 weeks pregnant now. I feel my little guy move all the time which is SO much fun! The best part of pregnancy by far! My due date is May 26th. I am trusting in God for the outcome that is perfect. Not what I want, but what God wants through this all. Life or death...all glory be to God. For now I will enjoy my pregnancy...as best I can. The second trimester has been alittle less kind to me than the first was! :)

These verses I leave with you-
Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight.

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for your declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.