A life worth living

It has been a rough couple weeks for me. We started making funeral plans, which hasn't been fun, and I have been struggling with my emotions as my due date draws near.

I had another doctor's appointment yesterday and had my 3d ultrasound. Got to see my little guy. And we were finally able to get some pictures of him! It's definitely bitter sweet. I love getting to see him, but am so heartbroken over this whole situation and knowing that he isn't going to live. He is so precious. 

He is still really small, weighing just over 3lbs. Everything still looks the same. I have too much amniotic fluid as he isn't swallowing it like he should. Its not a big problem, although I have already become very uncomfortable and am finding it hard to breath with the extra amniotic fluid taking up more space in my uterus. I have another appointment in 2 weeks and we will check my fluid to see if it has increased. We might have to look into induction. From the beginning I had determined that I didn't want to be induced as I feel like its me/us deciding the day Brasen will pass. I know this is in God's hands and it will work out the way that He has planned. I am hoping to go into labor naturally, but he may not come on his own. God's timing is perfect and I am trying to rest in that.

This is all still so surreal to me. It is still hard for me to grasp that this is really happening. His heartbeat is strong, he moves around all the time, this seems like any other pregnancy.....it's hard to believe that something is wrong with him.

I know there are people who don't agree with our decision to not abort. It's not an easy decision to make, but it is the one we know God wanted us to make. Life is such a beautiful thing...a gift God gives us. Each of us has a life worth living. We aren't here on earth by chance, by some random act...God has a plan for each one of us. I am realizing this more and more the older I get. God has an intricate plan that each one of us are woven into for his ultimate purpose and glory. We wanted to give Brasen a chance at life. And no matter how long or short that life may be, it is worth living.  Brasen has a purpose..he is wanted and loved dearly. He will always be our little baby boy.


                                   
                                  Be not afraid of life, Believe that life is worth living...
                                                           -William James

It is well with my soul

I love playing the piano and try to play as much as time will allow! I was playing through some worship songs a couple weeks ago and played the song "It is well with my soul". And ended the song in tears. I have always loved this song and knew there was a story behind the man who had written it years ago, but I had never known the complete story. So, I decided to investigate!

"It is well with my soul" was written by Horatio Gates Spafford, a successful Chicago lawyer. A married man and devout Christian in the 1800's. In 1870 Horatio's only son died at the age of 4 from scarlet fever. One year later the real estate Horatio had invested in burned in the "Great Chicago fire". As you can imagine it was a hard time for the Spaffords. Horatio decided he and his wife and 4 daughters would travel to England for a much needed holiday and also to help D.L. Moody as he was traveling around Britian with one of his great evangelistic campaigns. They were set to travel out from New York on the french steamer "Ville de Harve" but last minute business delayed Horatio from departing with his wife and daughters. He sent them on ahead and would meet up with them a few days later. 9 days later Horatio received word that the Ville de Harve" had collided with the "Lochearn", an english vessel, and sunk within 12 minutes. His 4 daughters died in that ship wreck and his wife was saved only because of a piece of plank that floated underneath her unconscious body and propped her afloat. Upon hearing the devastating news, Horatio boarded the next ship out of New York to join his grieving wife. As they sailed through the very waters that the "Ville de Harve" had sunk Horatio went into his cabin and wrote the lyrics of this hymn.

                                       
                                       When peace like a river, attendeth my way,
                                       When sorrows like sea billows roll;
                                       Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
                                       It is well, it is well with my soul.

                                      Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
                                       Let this blest assurance control,
                                      That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
                                      And hath shed his own blood for my soul.

                                      It is well....it is well with my soul.
                                      It is well, it is well with my soul!



He wrote these words in his darkest hour. When he was in despair and filled with sorrow. This poem was put to music several years later and is a song we still sing to this day!

This man, like so many other people have gone through hardships and trials in their life. Far outweighing anything I have had to go through in my life. And yet, though faced with insurmountable tragedy, they continued to have faith in God, pressed on and became stronger because of it.

This has really resonated with me and I pray that whatever my "lot" in life and whatever is to come that I would be able to say "It is well with my soul".